01/01/10
Finale Pour L'Art (revised 1/16/2010)
Great art is not simply a 'product' directly inspired by other works of art. The process may begin when we experience a great piece of art, however much more is involved than simple imitation. Great works lead us to explore new possibilities, to think along new lines, to expand our own philosophy and spirituality. Finally, from this vast reservoir of personal experience something germinates - inspiration.
We call this 'possession by the god' ("enthusiasm" in its most literal definition), the product of the genius. The idea is allowed to come to fruition in its own good time, subtly. It cannot simply be forced at all times, though this may sometimes occur, depending on the application of the proper kind and degree of force in the proper manner
through the proper medium to the proper object... in short, much depends upon the potency and proficiency of the adept. But as often as not, in its own due time the dross filters to the bottom and the fine wine rises to the top. Subtlety.
This is not to forget that the original inspired vision is everything. Elaboration may help to define and therefore convey the intended force, but gaudiness can only detract.
Art is an honest expression of the Self.
Ultimately, for the integrated (individuated) being, there is no distinction between Religion, Science, and Art - just as there is no distinction between prophet, philosopher, or poet.
- Liber ABA, Part 3 - Chapter X, Of the Gestures
12/30/09
The Alchemist's Cat
9:21 p.m. To those uninitiated, dissonance is easily confused with disharmony. The difference of opinion rests in the degree of cultivated/cultured hearing.
8:48 p.m. Yahoo headline: Obama is boon for Fox News
[See 4/20/09 "The Balls of Journalism"]
Honestly, what are all you white bastards complaining about? I was in the Gym the other day and some fat honky comes up to the counter where I tend to meander talking to my friends Nancy and The Mook. He says some crap about "our President creating money out of thin air". What do you think has been going on since the founding of the FED?
Okay, maybe he doesn't know that stuff. But he certainly observed the past 7 years of misdirected warfare that has created an enormity of debt that at least one person was willing to attempt to grapple with. And if Fox is on the upswing, this is a great significator.
All things considered, this kind of stupidity is bound up in nothing more than bigotry.
12/23/09
Merry Krishnamas
(More notes accumulating in my pocket)
Best to start with 12/18/09
Jesus' attitude toward The Law underscores a proper attitude toward The Bible in general. Principles, not laws.
One side of Krishna consciousness: laws exist because people are disconnected from God, but when you are in "Union with God" (Samadhi) the laws no longer apply.
Rules are for those who have not yet been taught to think for themselves. I deal in principles. Laws are merely temporal, but principles... Eternal.
When faced with the choice between a cherished belief or the unknown, which will win out? That is a question of honesty. Explored properly, both win. Faith is the ability not to simply believe unquestioningly, but to put beliefs to the fiery test. What doesn't survive the flame was expendable - clearly.
- 1 Thes. 5:21
Until we have completely set aside all notion of Reward and Punishment (consequence), one cannot say "I have come to do your Will." One can only say (honestly that is) "I have come for the reward. I am here for payment."
The general operation of 'the church' (as if it were a united front) has been to foster weakness (a betrayal to the members) and to promote the interests of imperial expansion. At its best it has helped those in need, but failed to teach the metaphysics leading to union. I still see it as salvageable.
Castle: "Why do you continue to waste your time on these little christians?"
Ash: "Because I love them. And because left to their own devices they get themselves into so much trouble."
If you believe that achieving 'greatness' in the eyes of others or according to their standards is important to me, you greatly misunderstand. The prosecution of The Great Work itself is the aim.
What is Truth? That which brings greater Union. Church, approval, community, or as Jesus demonstrated, even life, should not come before Union.
When I say I could never belong to a church, this is because the ceremony is
1) ill conceived,
2) ill prepeared, and
3) poorly executed.
I could attend quite willingly. But you must surely understand that the purpose of all ceremony is the Uniting of the Will. I will not share in the ritual with the unitiated. Why do you suppose at the Last Supper (as it is called among the vulgar) Jesus invited only 'the 12'?
Beyond these considerations, there is also the matter of dogma (in most cases not supported by The Book itself), mission statement & intent, payment to pastors, shoddy metaphysics, the constraints of understanding placed by demands of factuality, the use of threats leading to fear, the use of bribery leading to ambition, etc. Still, like I said, I see the whole thing as resolving over time, I really do. But it won't resolve the way many might imagine. It all works out, don't worry.
Some, like myself will continue to dog at the church, but not with animosity. This will refine it, and help it be assimilated properly by the collective consciousness.
Others will continue to work within it, and as it refines they will reap their own joy.
Others will work to destroy it, but they can only ensure its assimilation.
Ultimately, all three groups get what they want. But only a few people will probably recognize this, at least initially.
Communion
Without proper initiation, without proper preparation, without proper presentation, without proper solemnity and joy, 'The Host' of the communion loses its value as a symbol of the individual aspirant's Union with The Whole (in imitation of The Master). Instead, it is degraded to a membership affirmation, a fraternity prank. Useless, except in its service to the wolves.
The point is 'The Body', life... Jesus' life AS A MAN. This is where we can imitate in method and, to varying degrees, success the 'model whose steps to follow closely'. This is not some egoplay. There are no rewards or threats tainting our motives, aside from perhaps the joy itself.
It is this Jesus, not the deified reincarnation of Horus that currently hangs on the cross, that will heal the collective over time. When properly assimilated along with the great archetypes, as is already taking place and has taken place at least since the Gnostics and Arians, the Name itself will have less import than the meaning.
Church
What good can come from 'communion' with those who do not understand? Does not the detriment far outweigh? I don't have an answer for that. The force of ceremony is essential. "The entire essence of the Will is its one-pointedness" a great man once wrote. Still, at the end of the day I have seen tremendous beauty come from 'the church', and I cannot deny it or forget it.
Church is unbalanced, and will remain so, unless Christ is brought back to being understood as a man. Until then, the Communion is useless, even dangerous, because the entire force of the ceremony is misdirected.
Likewise, The Word itself, unless understood to be words at best, is also damaging... to the soul.
To belong to a church, or to serve its interests, would be no different to me than serving the interests of a nation. I reject all this patriotic, sectarian division. I serve the Whole, or at least attempt to do so. And though I do not require this from anyone else, I don't sway from it, even for the most beautifully sparkling bribes. I have faith in my integrity to myself, but also in that of others.
- Mark 2:22
This is not a desertion from 'the church'; but the church has deserted its mission and its master.
Ultimately, each of us stands alone before and in the Divine; and simultaneously we all stand in Union.
Thereupon the Lord, with a gracious smile, addressed him who was so much depressed in the midst of the two armies."
- Baghavad Gita
12/22/09
Rosetta Stoned
Mostly notes accumulating in my pocket over the past couple days
(in no kind of order)
Such a heavy burden not to be the one.
God damn."
- TOOL, Rosetta Stoned
The main differences between a weapon and a surgical tool are application and intent. Either can be handled incorrectly.
Recognizing it for what it is , I'm tired as Hell of the dead weight of moral sentimentality.
Not from a note
Law (and all 'wording') becomes useless when it is taken beyond principle. This is how churches have ruined, for instance, The Bible - no understanding of metaphysical principles by either the pastors or the members. At the level of principle - truthful. But, when principles are taken to be laws, binding indefinitely, the the whole thing is ruined. Laws by their nature are intended for fixed situations, are limited in application, and exist in duality, therefore there are exceptions. Principles are eternal. For instance, the Jewish Law mandates "Have no gods other than me." Yet, we understand the ineffable nature of the eternal. We can see that all things are manifestation of the primordial energy and being from which all things came. When we take all 'other gods' to be merely facets of the eternal, of the One, there is no idolatry. But even Jehovah, when taken to be the Whole itself, is idolatrous - BECAUSE it is a mere male anthropomorphism. Even Vishnu, aside from Lakshmi, is incomplete and idolatrous. "Little children, guard yourselves from idols." - St. John. Even Law can become an idol, when it separates you rather than creates Union.
More from notes
How Christianity ruins women - they are at every turn taught 'submission' and 'subjection'. Their own divinity is denied, even more than that of men. Subject? Submissive? Nothing tame retains its Virtue! In this the church, ALL of it, has sinned.
Apparently my slightest influence threatens years of domination and fear instilled in a person by churchery. I find little comfort in this. But it should make one consider the power of sincerity and honesty over fear. The power of Union over division.
Correction: I once wrote that for every woman I meet who is damaged or crazy I meet one that is articulate, refined, and artistic. I was wrong. It would be more correct to say that in all the women I have met I have known only a few who are like this. Most noteably I have known 3, and two of those are Lisa Fett and Elisabeth Meyer.
Not from a note - again
I feel that I should write regarding the metaphysics of Jesus as a man, as a God, and as a mediator between the two. I see that the Eucharist, Communion, The Lord's Evening Meal, or whatever name you choose to give it, is horribly misunderstood among the masses of churchgoers. Last night I fell asleep to the sweet peace of considering the metaphysics of Communion. I feel that I should write more on the subject. But without a proper understanding of the purpose of ritual and ceremony, you would only become more confused. Here's the issue: Communion unless it includes the individual Union with the Whole is not only pointless, but damaging to those involved, because without proper understanding the heart is entirely misdirected. Because the final goal of the Eucharist is not properly understood (theology with shoddy metaphyics) the entire ceremony, including the music (especially the words), the message, and the balance of dignity with humanity are missing. The solemnity of the event is either lost or the entire thing is directed to the wrong aspect of Jesus. Both extremes hinge on the same principle. These conditions are exactly what prevent me from being the member of any church, though I am not against occassional observance to any temple - it is, afterall, my gift to assimilate all of the gods and never become an idolater.
Based on the above how can it be that my own views in anyway conflict with christianity that makes allowance for something like Christmas? The answer is simple: for me it is not idolatry, because I recognize and readily admit that even my own concepts are Maya. In other words, I am honest.
So, hopefully in the next few days I will clarify some of these issues, the metaphysics pertaining to them, and the proper use and intent of ceremony. What I really need to decide is whether or not this should be made public, whether or not it should be available to those who would potentially misuse it, and purposely misdirect from the real goal - Union.
Its strange, I began the last quarter of this year with a zeal for art and a resolution regarding it. This section was to be dedicated to that. Sunday I woke up and cancelled band practice. I never do that. Later I decided I could play, but definitely no singing. If I had my way today I'd set the world on fire. You never really know God until you've prayed for death - and realize he won't answer, until you've voiced all your disappointments in him, until you challenge him at every turn, in short to treat God as real, like you would any other person. I should have been named Israel rather than Jeremiah. My sentiments regarding the Hebrew God are terribly Jewish: you can love God or Hate Him, but you cannot disown Him. Thank God this is also a model only.
My Holiday gift to you: Watch "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban" (available at any movie rental or Walmart [Screw Walmart!]), and listen to the cd "10,000 Days" (TOOL) (NOT available through itunes [See: 'Walmart' above]).
12/20/09 Entry 2
Freeflow Arrangement of Letters
A strange phenomenon, in Western thinking particular, is the handling of the proposition of infinite regress.
Fractal reality deals with zooming the scope of perspective (i.e. "the fractal lens") in and out to various degrees of scrutiny (magnification). You see that a concept retains certain dimensions regardless of size, which is to say patterns are seen to repeat regardless of the scope. But the thing not to be overlooked is that certain other patterns do the same, but at different levels of magnification.
How far can we look back into the infinite pattern? How do we see this same fundamental cycle in even the smallest of things?
It is odd to me that Western philosophy and, therefore, theology tends to assume a stopping point to infinite regress. Escahtologies similarly look to a certain 'end'. But often it is overlooked that there will again be a beginning followed by yet another end, etc. If we look back we see the pattern as well. But how far are you willing to look? And how would this effect your ultimate interaction with the world around you?
Relative to this is the idea of the collective-consciousness, of collective-biological systems, etc. If there is, for instance, a collective-consciousness by any two interacting beings (for instance, cooperative efforts & warfare), then surely a third being would form a collective on another scale. Finally, humans as a species form a collective. If earth can be seen as a collective, much like a cell, or a muti-celled organism, then the planet is also a collective. If life is present on another planet we (earthlings) share in that collective, etc.
Finally, if God is a being outside of all these planets, we share in that collective as well. And finally, what becomes of objectivity?
12/20/09
Defiance
"It seems I've gained the world but have nothing" - Chevelle, Point # 1
Now, let me say first, as I have often done, that I love the person known as Jesus. Jesus the historical figure, the fearless dying god, the nexus of Man and Divine, the one who moved beyond the veil of illusion and attained Union with the Whole.
- Liber ABA, Part 2 - Chapter VI, The Wand
Need I explain myself further? Then I will do so. Jesus spent a little over a month alone in the wilderness at about 29 years of age as the culmination of his finely cultivated Buddha-nature. In this, he achieved Samadhi, according to his own cultural-context, that is he achieved Union with the Braman, which in his world was known as Jehovah or Yahweh, or simply "The Father".
In so doing he could see clearly that every manipulation of man is rooted in fear, and its perfect reflection, desire. The fear of a thing is also the desire to avoid a thing, so, fear and desire are synonymous. They are simply differing vantage points of the same event. Jesus, having seen past the veil of illusion now was faced with a choice. Would he use his understanding of fear, of the ego, to his advantage? Would he wield it against the unsuspecting for gain of any type? Or would he expose it by demonstrating the power of its antithesis, namely, Love?
The subsequent temptations that followed his Attainment in the wilderness demonstrate this point exactly. He would not allow his understanding of reality to contaminate him into abusing others for advantage. Instead he would expose their machinations at all costs, even at the greatest expense to himself.
"Rebuke, don't choke on this twisted dream" - Chevelle, Point # 1
Christians have a system of beliefs built upon a body of theology that is an attempted application of philosophy to the scraps of collected paper now called "The Bible". Most Christians have little understanding of philosophy to begin with. Seldom do they know their own book very well, aside from the contaminated prejudices that must certainly follow early childhood indoctrination. So, truthful as the book is, the assumptions that most of us have going into the venture color our attempts to gain truth from it, our objectivity is ruined by pre-conceived (and ill-conceived) notions. It is no wonder that the book is seen as contradiction upon contradiction. No wonder its history is filled with disputes, upon wars, upon persecutions, upon schism, upon division, upon fear. No wonder that Christians are often the most fearful, passivistic (the truest color of apathy), and bewildered people.
Now, taken to the other extreme, I admit, I also find little in common with those who do not discuss human spirituality at all. And I often gain much from my friends who are christians, I really do. But I find that there often is a wall, and I did not put it up, nor do I maintain it. They painstakingly do so for fear of the unknown, and sadly what they do not know is Union; instead they know elitism, exclusivism, division - they know them well. Fear is the basis of modern church theology as a whole - fear of punishment and desire for reward - and no pure motive can exist there. In this sense Christian theology is against everything Jesus stood for.
Were Jesus to hear the indoctrinations of fear and division that persist in his name, he would rebuke all of your 'pastors'.
The interpreters, the theologians, have always been those who stand to gain the most. At the head of any churches food-chain there is someone(s) sitting in a paid home, with paid bills; even the meagerest of compensation for 'saced service to God' is inexcuseable. Jesus died for it, but today ministers profit from it... you are sheep among wolves. And what kind of friend would I be if I turned a blind eye?
If your church has a compensated minister, or ministers, demand to see receipts. Ask yourselves, what sacrifice is honestly being made that I am paying them for? Because I tell you this, quit footing the bills and the strangle-hold fear that is purposely used against you will cease. This fear is used to keep you coming back, to keep you in line, to keep you PAYING SOMEONES BILLS, to keep you supporting the machine of self-righteous exclusive interpretation of reality... which is against any Union with God - against anything Jesus was attempting to achieve.
It is only when fear is gone that Jesus, who attained Union with God, will be properly assimilated into the collective-consciousness of mankind. What would Jesus do with your paid clergy? He would overturn their tables, make a whip and expel them from the temple! "You received free, give free", he said (Matt 10:8). "If any among you does not want to work, neither let him eat." (2 Thes. 3:10)
As an example, I was recently sitting in my New Testament Greek class at Huntington University. Two students actually acting as 'ministers' in different churches were discussing how their congregations irritate them... until they get the check at the end of the month. They both had a good laugh. "Out of the hearts abundance the mouth speaks" (Luke 6:45). Both of them are planning to go on to grad school for divinity degrees (dear Lord help us). "Unlike some people, we do not need letters of recommendation to you or from you, do we?" (2 Cor. 3:1).
Degrees in Divinity are meaningless, absolutely. They are simply a way for 'ambitious', and by that I mean power/money hungry, and by that I mean lazy and corrupt, and by that I mean unqualified as representatives of Jesus... they are a way for these people to further gain power over the unsuspecting, and to futher corrupt theology as time moves forward. And the churches they reap from along the way... mere stepping-stones. The "will of God" has become one financial opportunity to the next, Or one level of self-righteousness to the next. Then again, maybe the gain of position will be used to refine in a powerful way - but this is seldom, if ever, the case with church power. One warning:
I didn't think I would get out of bed at all today, but I feel much better right now. Maybe I'll write later about the theological lies we've all heard. Maybe I'll discuss some of the finer points of metaphysics, without which theology is the most ridiculous mind-trap. Hard to say, but more than likely I'll do this over the next couple of weeks. By the way, Christmas... totally pagan. Look it up! Then tell me how unacceptable I am. Then tell me how you justify your 'christianity'. Tell me how I am unacceptable in my Darshanic use of models, when you integrate various models yourself... but I do it with full openness that they are mere models. Hate me, but do it honestly.
12/18/09
Fear or Love - with interspersions [if that's a word]
It seems that if the world is ever going to be healed of its divisions, to overcome its hatreds of the 'other', or if people are really going to learn to love in any meaningful way, the answer lies in overcoming fear.
Fear paralyzes. Fear divides. And the institutions that use fear to acquire their ends, to manipulate people, must either mend their ways or they will be gone.
Religious fear is especially evil, because the fear itself is the fear to question. It is a fear of what is feared for the sake of fear. What a fucking mind-trap. And when that fear is based in the fear of punishment/reward, fear of ostricism, fear of God's disapproval - how overpowering that fear is for those who have been subjected to it all their lives.
(I live in a fucked up little town)
How can I not want to overthrow every institutions that has hurt the world of people. I hold Jesus the man in the greatest of esteem, but jesus the idol I have no use for.
Jesus the man would not support the use of fear to any degree. He would not have wanted a people too have to choose between doctrines and love, between edifices and edification, between inspiration and inspiration. Jesus did not arrive to create a new orthodoxy, a new set of rules, in short to found a new religion. He simply wanted people to overcome fear and move into love. The 'church' as an institution has failed in this regard.
Theology without metaphysics can never comprehend the beauty and truth bound up in the Christ. It is simply modern pharisaism. The religious leaders of Jesus' day taught commands of men as doctrines because they were in fear of losing their position.(Matt. 15:9; Mark 7:7; John 11:48) The actual record of Jesus ministry is simple and to the point and more often than not he spoke in parables, which is the ultimate nature of all words. They are arbitrary grunts assigned meaning by us. Words are like laws, they are defined by yet more words, which are in turn ... ad nauseum, ad infinitum.
At any rate, the heart of Jesus teachings is not in theological interpretation, and is in fact many times purposely deposing such dogma, but is found in the way we demonstrate Love, free from fear of punishment and desire for rewards.
I don't care about salvation and I don't believe in damnation. Its strange to me, people poisoned by certain aspects of 'churchery', or religion generally (its not just 'christianity'; not even just West...) cannot see that God would actually appreciate the intellectual honesty bound in egoless action, that is action that is not determined by fear of punishment, or by bribery of reward.
At any rate, I have to wonder, "How do we rid the world of fear?" Can the churches be saved? Must they be brought to their knees? Will Jesus ever be properly assimilated into the collective-consciousness? It seems to me that He would not even want his 'Name' involved with the fear it has instilled in people and the resulting divisions. And until that fear is gone, there is no true love.
- St. John
Part II
I just walked into the Redeye and so many of my HU friends are drunk. Wish I was.
"Guilt. Tearing me up inside.
The innocent... An evil in disguise.
The face of beauty to fall for.
I fall to my knees, deceitful.
"Brought down by feelings of regret.
Again your mind has failed the test.
Not everyone feels the same.
Pacifist blinded by the game."
- Avenged Sevenfold, Lips of Deceit
(Kaestner is sermonizing drunk. I love it.)
Anyway, I hope you can put things together for yourself. I wish I wasn't sorrounded by drunk Christians right now, dancing to Jewish Mazel Tov songs performed by Ben Folds, but what can I do?
- Matt Kaestner (just now)
I'm now sorrounded by a gang of drunks singing 'Sweet Caroline' by Neil Diamond. This is surreal. Its making me smile for the first time in the last couple days. I must say, I want so much to participate in the joy of my friends, even in church, because I know it would add to their hapiness, but how could I do so without ulterior motives. Castle, please don't sneer at all of this. I recognize that for church to truly be bhakti it must create union, not division or fear. I really gotta go, because Luke is telling me about a poem and I can't concentrate. My God, what confusion.
One last thought, from Luke Nimtz: When God is presented as purely male, women cannot be women.
12/13/09
M with a K
Wise men do not grieve
for the dead or for the living...
Only the man who is unmoved by
any sensations, the wise man
indifferent to pain, to pleasure,
is fit for becoming deathless.
Death is certain for the living
and rebirth is certain for the dead.
Since both cannot be avoided,
you have no reason for your sorrow.
Indifferent to gain or loss,
to victory or defeat,
prepare yourself for the battle
and do not succumb to sin.
This is philosophy's wisdom;
now hear the wisdom of yoga.
Even a little of this practice
will shelter you from great sorrow.
Foolish men talk of religion
in cheap, sentimental words,
leaning on the scriptures:
"God speaks here, and here alone."
Besotted by the scriptures words
their minds have not been made clear
by the practice of meditation...
The scriptures dwell in duality.
Be beyond all opposites.
Unnecessary are all scriptures
to someone who has seen the truth.
When your understanding has passed
beyond the veil of illusion,
there is nothing you need to learn
from even the most sacred scripture.
Indifferent to the scriptures,
your mind stands by itself, unmoving.
This is the essence of yoga...
This is the divine state.
Know what your dharma is
and do it without hesitation.
For a warrior there is nothing better
than a battle that duty enjoins.
Blessed are warriors who are given
the chance of a battle like this
Which calls them to do what is right...
Disgrace, for a man of honor, is a fate far worse than death.
- Krishna, Lord of Yoga
12/06/09
Confessions Part V – Exorcism
I decided to write about something that there may be serious question about. For the most part I wrote this about 2 weeks ago, then thought better than to post it. I don’t intend to discuss it further among the public and general rabble, but here’s the stupid facts:
While I was separated from my wife for about 4 years I never involved myself with any woman on even the slightest level, just as when I was married I never had any interest in anyone other than the person I was married to – so put that in your pipe and smoke it.
So, in the fall of 2007 I decided to pull the plug. There was not going to arrive a time where I recanted from my heresies, and there was also not going to be a time when either I or my honesty was accepted. The only sensible thing to do for everyone involved was to end the situation with finality. I filed for a divorce at that time.
By the spring of 2008 I had made my final attempt to reconcile the situation. By then I was officially ex-communicated and that being the case my (ex)wife would NOT speak to me about anything. I’m all about loyalty, but there is sometimes no point. Now, you have to understand that according to The Bible a person is not allowed to remarry, even in the case of official divorce UNLESS the other party commits adultery. I happen to agree with the principle, but I can also see the future with great accuracy.
At this time I wrote a letter to her ‘body of elders’ and told them something like “… I see no reason for ______ to be forced to live alone simply because of you narrow dogma…” The next paragraph opened by saying:
“So I fucked this girl…” There you go, off the hook, right? Not at all. She was officially ‘released’, but the truth is I had not done anything. The whole thing was made up. In fact, my good friend Natasha Hilton was present when I was writing the letter. She proof read it! Anyway, I sent a copy of the letter to both _____'s former and (then) present congregations as well as an email to _____ explaining the importance of the email and how to trace and confirm that it was sent from ashheap@ashheap.com, etc. to verify my admission. By this point it was decided that I would show no further regard for the Pharisees involved, thus the necessity of elaboration in order to get everything handled properly.
Several months go by (by this time about 5 years in to entire separation/divorce mess) and it occurs to me on many occasions that _____ probably suspected my bullshit story. Much too neat and tidy, I suppose. I wondered what I would do if confronted to come clean (no pun…). If I admitted the truth of the situation absolutely NOTHING useful would come of it. In fact, it would just screw over someone that I sincerely want the best of things for. But I knew that I am a horrible liar and the temptation to tell the truth, even if for ulterior reasons, would be serious. So I went out one night, was reading Nietzsche I believe, a total stranger walked in, and I said to myself “it’s gonna be her”. And it was. I won’t elaborate. Needless to say, I had resolved that the only way to permanently decide on a particular quantum reality to the exclusion of certain others was to to jump the rail to the proper track at the proper time.
Are you wondering what kind of person I am now?
Are you disappointed?
It didn’t mean anything to me. Just a duty. Necessary. Business.
Otherwise, I’ve lived like a monk for the past 5 years.
Any questions?
11/27/09
Confessions Part IV
- Jeremy Kelker
I am the observer, and being thus all that I observe is an extension of myself, even as I am their reflection. I stand on the starboard stern of an ancient galley.
At the bow, the ship’s captain announces that we are carrying the Asterion Bull. The crew is awestruck. All heads turn toward a pair of doors at the stern as we await the bull’s appearance on deck.
So suddenly that only the most unreasoned primal fear overtakes all the men, the Minotaur appears. I am not surprised. The deck and crew are ravaged by the raw animal fury.
I merely observe. But I realize, the Asterion Bull, the Minotaur, and even Theseus yet to come, all of them are merely projections of myself.
The animal side is never truly conquered, divinity is also never lost; they simply grow together.
…And to overcome a beast one must be a greater beast.
Over the past 8 months or so I have found that I really enjoy drinking beer with my friends and playing pool. Good things have come from it. For instance, I met Travis and Brant whom I am making music with these days. I planned on exactly such an outcome from the start, and am very happy to say they are my most immediate circle of friends.
A big problem with me in a bar is this: I am not a civilized man.
Civilized men believe that the law is a protection to them. They rely on that protection, and thus are weak. This same law, they believe, will protect them as they behave foolishly, and ill-mannered. They are so self-assured in the illusion of comfort that they forget the reality of The Wild.
I have found myself in more than one situation where the laws of men are simply inferior to my own natural law – and I do not submit to fetters. It’s simple, don’t mess with my people. If I tell you “no”, that is the law.
I have also recognized that the more I work to hone myself in all aspects of being (and I don’t claim to have perfected discipline) my animal side is sometimes all-too-happy to play when something draws it from the cave. It will stir once, maybe twice, and attempt to lie in peace. But there is a point when it springs ferociously. I do not apologize for it, but there is pleasure in the flood of primordial hormones and genetic-memory. The senses are wide open. Although I have control over my actions in these rare occurrences, my actions are simply untamed.
I’m not concerned with excuses, were that the case I would just avoid the confession. Among the civilized the scope of loyalty is limited and the capacity to love is flawed by their own timidity.
At any rate, no more bars for me. I can appreciate that I should probably not put myself in situations where I feel compelled to act. Needless to say, if you mess with my friend’s girlfriend, you’re messing with my people – and there is no limit how far I will go for the people I love. But I also feel that my Chi should not be misspent in situations that I could just as easily avoid. If I fail to act on this understanding I would be abusing my dharma, and I cannot allow that. Or in more analytical terms, to foresee and proceed is to seek.
My Will is not for sale. I am not civilized. Highly sophisticated, yes, but never tamed. Still, how can I possibly harness my abilities for something good? To do my dharma, I would gladly serve another whose own virtue is much more beautiful than my own. I am interested in someone whose own modesty would never allow them to create the world in their own image, but whose purity would inspire me to make it so. And my limited understanding tells me that this would also leave things much better than the way I have inherited them.
Addendum 11/28/09
I realize that the basic adrenaline high can be addictive, as any athlete can attest to. But it also occurs to me that there are perhaps primal centers in the brain (such as the hypothalamus) that thrive on 'the kill'. Case in point: 2 years ago I was walking at night with some friends through a park in Wabash. One person decided to kick a child's ball (that was on the sidewalk) down the street. I told him to knock it off because obviously the child would not find his ball the next day. Long story short... I end up chasing him a couple blocks before tackling him to the ground. In the moment of leaping onto his back I felt what must be the sensation a big cat gets when it is either going to make the kill or the cubs are going to starve. I can also reason the danger of the addiction, though I must admit I make use of it regularly in the gym. Everything in its place and directed properly...
11/24/09
The Hum of All and the the Silence beneath it
Drowning in thought…
If I let go of everything
I feel it from the base of my spine
An endless well, a reservoir
From which all things came
Departure and return are misunderstandings
Even the illusion is eternal... so beautiful
At the end of the day
Is it possible to leave things better than we found them
How will we do so
By showing love to our immediate circle
By the way we exert Will into the universe
And by the way Brahman exerts its Will through us
As conduits, channels - manifestations of the whole
Anyone can feel anything, but to do so intelligently
That difference is Divinity
Nothing tamed retains its Virtue...don't ruin me
But if you were an ocean I would dive into you
Oblivious to finding the bottom or getting to the other side
I'm not afraid of drowning either
11/17/09
Confessions Part III: There 2 people I can always count on when I need direction...
Shawn Shell and Friedrich Nietzsche
Note regarding previous entry:
- From Human, All Too Human
I once thought I would want to teach in the university setting. But I have seen clearly that Academia is nothing but another snobbish, elitist political/religious structure. It exists for self-perpetuation first, like any political party; thus it has become stagnant. It claims to possess factuality, like any orthodox religion; thus it offers falsehood (see Concerning Antifactuality at Yantra). The American academic system is simply beneath me.
Here’s the problem: The implementation of my theory of the Will rests squarely on the education of children, so that their own Buddha-nature is cultivated and can flourish as early as possible. So, an alternative has occurred to me many times over the past year. It may be necessary for me to complete my philosophy degree, being as far in as I am at this point. The only reason to do so is to pursue a Masters in education.
- From The Dawn
A dream from last night
I walked into a church from the religion that formerly misled my footsteps. The elders of the church were sitting down stairs chatting small-talk stupidity, getting fat, and teaching no one anything. It was obvious to me that the members of the ‘church’ were upstairs, left to their own devices, like sheep without a shepherd.
I walked up the stairs. People were scattered about in small cliques. In one corner of the room there were some people performing some mediocre cover tunes. I shouted out “Gong!” (I love you Melissa). Then I stepped onto a pew and began leaping from the back of one pew to the next, ignoring whatever the all-too-many were senselessly wasting their time doing in this idolatrous house of falsehood.
Suddenly, someone made the mistake of grabbing my ankle as I was about to ascend. I turned and punched him square in the jaw. And so I left. I never want to see that place again.
I was returning home, traveling East. The ground was covered with snow and slushy puddles, like the most horrible days of late winter gloom. My hands didn’t feel the cold as I tramped across the pavement. I unzipped the front of my Carhartts and quickly unburdened myself of the unnecessary covering. My nails dug into the snow for traction as I ran on all-fours through the frozen death.
- From Thus Spoke Zarathustra: Second Part
On 2 paths… and also a 3rd
There are times when a person may have to die to create the world in a better image. There are other times when he may have to fight to do so. Each has its merit, and each its folly.
To die can change the world for good in the most immediate future. Unfortunately, messiahs and martyrs often become the idols of fanatical orthodoxy – and thus, in their innocence and Virtue, the martyr’s grave becomes a garden where hatred, fear, and oppression spring forth.
For the revolutionary, on the other hand, the desire is to overturn oppression at all costs, but at the calculated risk, a gamble, of immediate pain to the many in exchange for possible happiness in the near future. I have no interest in playing those odds.
Aristotle says “Virtue is the mean between extremes”. How is possible to “create the world in a better image” without causing either immediate harm (as the revolutionary) or distant harm (as the martyr)? It seems that to simply love those within our immediate experience may create ripples throughout eternity that we cannot imagine. In a similar vein, the creation of art that both elevates humans transcendentally and roots them deeply in their earthly experience as “spiritual animals” can achieve great good with our lives while attending to the tenant “do no harm” (ahimsa).
Still, as I focus the fractal-lens both inward and outward over the whole of eternity and the infinite worlds that have and will be, as I scan all possible realities (Vishnu) I see that there is overall the same average of pain and happiness overall. This universe is an illusion, Changing in minutia that few perceive, none-the-less changing. There was a time when the present universe was not. There will also be a time when the present universe is not. There will arise again a time when the present universe is.
In all this, I choose simply to follow my dharma, to create no unnecessary pain, and when possible to absorb the pain of others, and channel it into creative energy. I don’t know if this will help anything in the long-run. There are perhaps times to lay the lens aside.
The Enemy is often Within
The greatest enemies of Christianity were the founders of its own Orthodoxy. In its early, vague, loose conceptions (which is to say, prior to theology and orthodoxy), Christianity was for a brief beautiful instant on a par with primitive Eastern yoga and Darshanic philosophy. But like its Vedic cousin, it was soon corrupted by the elaborate law makers and would-be-codifiers of experience. The great mystics of early Christianity, those whom sought Unity with the Whole, who understood that at the moment the “curtain separating the Holy from the Most Holy was rent in two” there was no longer duality of Atman and Brahman, those who should truly be called “Christian”, were labeled heretics. They were persecuted, expelled, ex-communicated, etc. I am proud to be among them.
Orthodoxy is stagnance
Stagnance is death
Therefore, Orthodoxy is death
Heresy is the root of all progress
Religion is ultimately the subjective interpretation of reality. The mass religious experience is always a compromise – thus the danger is ever present that the potential for the individual to unify with the whole (yoga) will be stifled. Creativity is castrated, and the the Divinity of the individual is thereby denied. A travesty. A sin if there ever was one.
- From Twilight of the Idols
The bottom line
Where my three greatest literary inspirations agree:
- From Thus Spoke Zarathustra: Third Part
* All direct quotation from Friedrich Nietzsche
11/16/09
Confessions Part II: Present
- Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra: First Part
Early this morning I was sitting outside of my apartment, listening to the wind and flapping of flags in the breeze, thinking about trajectory, Nexus, and possibility. I realize that everything that has lead me to the point I am at has been useful in its own way, including what could seem to be much wasted time and some heartache. Perhaps I could have avoided certain detours, but all in all to be what I am is worth whatever it took and to have expected absolute efficiency may not even be reasonable.
I have spent the past 3 years as a philosophy student and now I am undertaking a study of Biblical Greek that will last until spring 2011. But the truth is, I have studied the 'essence of being' for a brutally long time. Here's the deal: All the reasons I initially started school are now the reasons that I probably should move on from it. Likewise, all the reasons I started to write on ashheap.com are precisely the reasons that I think I'm done with it. Then again, I've felt that way before. Anyway, I'll try to explain it.
For me school has never been about a degree, social status, the respect of others, or money. I initially started college simply for its own sake, its own Virtue. I soon saw the potential of losing myself in the experience, clearing my head, and forgetting a lost past. In philosophy I began to encounter a useful set of tools, and by said tools to forge machines that have not previously existed. Two of these especially come to mind. Along the way I encorporated yoga in among my mashie.
Eventually, these machines were used to destroy myself and subsequently recreate something new from the ashes. School was useful as a distraction, a way to clear my mind, and to numb myself. More importantly, it was an opportunity to gain ideas, to be inspired, to replenish creativity. But at this point it is merely getting in the way of creativity. There's the real problem.
Over the past several years I have contemplated many avenues by which I may perhaps best use my talents to create the world in a better image. I've studied warfare, politics, religion, education, and many other possibilities. I've considered revolution, practiced monasticism, trained my body as a slave, and experienced transcendental moments that cannot be put into words. But the answer always comes back the same. It's simple.
- Rev 2:4
There is only one thing that has ever saved me from complete self-destruction: the participation in artistic projects, most specifically music. I've always been involved with drawing, I dig painting, and my body is an art project, but the avenue by which I most powerfully and imaginatively express my own divinity, which is to say, as a creator (God's image, right?) is in writing and improvising music. Unfortunately, I allowed myself to be distracted for far too long by responsibilities that I should not have taken on, but which I took very seriously. In the end I was released from those responsibilities, though not of my own desire. I learned a valuable lesson though, never will I yoke myself to a person who cannot appreciate and encourage my art.
But that's all water under the bridge. Here are some highlights of the last year:
About 18 months ago I had a harsh realization concerning the fundamental nature of reality, I formed a pantacle. And the mechanics have served me well. I have found no cases that are exempt from the formula. And as I apply this model to my own thinking my musicianship dissolves ahamkara. I enter the state of Zen, and follow the flow of change.
I also had about 3 salvia trips last year, and the final one was a purposefully ceremonial application. Of course, the true purpose of all ceremony is the Uniting of the Will (see Salvia Awakening Ritual under the Yantra). At this point I made the first real contact with the Atman after several years of being deceived away from my true self. Although I have not used salvia divinorum since then (I really don't see any further reason to do so), I do follow the advice "Invoke often".
Somewhere about last fall I began a project that I will only disclose in person. There is essentially only 1 person to whom I have ever written regarding the subject, but it is a very important part of the following experiments. Evolution, however, is not altruistic.
Beginning the spring of 2009 I have had several transcendental experiences while participating in yoga. One was at the gym while between sets. My eyes were closed as I sat in padmasana. I was listening to music (mantra) on my ipod. I had the distinct feeling that if I opened my eyes I would be in Shawn Shell's basement in Muncie (where I had previously anchored my psyche through salvia experience). I then shifted into a level of consciousness wherein I was present at various places and times simultaneously, while not existing at all. I purposely pulled myself out of that particular trance, because it seemed like something that could go awry in such a public setting.
During the summer I was practicing breathing in corpse pose and a similar experience took place. The exact details of the entire evening are very instructive, but not for the profane. Its that simple. At any rate, my consciousness rested on 2 distinct planes. I snapped from the trance suddenly. Something very important took place. Maybe I'll tell you about it sometime, if you earn it.
Over the past year I decided to return from a half-decade of self-imposed hermitage. The intent was simple enough. And I got what I wanted. Now I have the people I need to create the art that is my dharma to bring to fruition. I have decided to permanently cutoff certain possibilities for my self so that I am never again distracted from the thing I should be doing. There are 4 tattoos that I am going to get pretty soon. Each a pantacle relating to the others. Each a reminder so that I never forget what I have mastered.
I also cannot discount the love and inspiration from my brother Shawn Shell and my sister Lisa Fett in matters of yoga and such. Luke Nimtz is my private meta-Physician and official visual artist for this thing I'm doing with Travis & Brant, whatever we're calling it. I've also been inspired by the thoughts of an artist I met recently. All that stuff adds up in profound ways. My cat Zen has also made a place for herself in my breathing and study of various arcane disciplines. For instance, she knows to sit on my chest, perfectly symmetrical during corpse - Zen meditation?. Say what you want, but that cat knows the routine and recently helped my friend while I was introducing him to Sushumna. She's also a great music producer. You've heard the term "familiar"?
I was born a buddha, as are we all. I was distracted for the longest time, corrupted by dogma of all sorts - lulled to sleep by the whirring ignorance around me. Now I am awake. I recognize my own divinity, and that of others. I see that to fulfill my dharma, to do my Will, to live up to my own Virtue, to do my duty to myself, to God,... all of these are the same thing.
If I want to cause change to take place in conformity with Will, which is to say "create the world in a better image" then the answer for me is to create art that elevates humans to a higher spiritual state. Music is the medium in which I work. I'm also much more interested in Yoga, Qabalah, Tarot other explorations of my own evolutionary being than institutionalized philosophy. It served its purpose, but its really child's play compared with what I'm doing these days. The Greek, however, I love it. We'll see what happens, but basically I'm considering paying off school and moving on. There's little I can strain out of it any longer. There's a point where you create a magic-box into which all theories fit and come out with the same answer. Besides, my own Divinity is my ultimate priority.
Long story short, if I don't see you much anymore you can imagine why. It's not The Hermit this time, although a part of me always will possess that understanding. Its Art, the intent of the great work. Few have any real place in my calculations, and you're either in or you're out. It doesn't mean I don't love you, but casual acquaintenances, they dull the sword, litter the earth, stagnate the water, and smother the fire.
- St. Paul
"It must be remembered that the whole essence of the will is its one-pointedness."
- Aleister Crowley, Book 4 Part 2, Chapter VI - "The Wand"
11/13/09
Faberge Ovum
Nameless Song
I won’t ask where it hurts
I already know
And I can’t fix your heart
…Can’t even mend my own
And will you be the one to save me?
We both know that’s not true
But I'm here and you're here, so let’s fight or let’s fuck
Whichever comes first
Cause there is no grace or guilt
And either way the end’s the same
Say yes to anything that kills the pain
Even if you know its only momentary
On Faith
- Jennifer Caseldine-Bracht
Faith is not the ability to accept belief without question. Faith is the ability to question your accepted beliefs.
What survives the fire will have earned your confidence, and you will have gained the ability to defend and express those beliefs.
What doesn't hold up under the test was never worth believing in the first place.
- Ashheap
Speaking of alchemy, my dear friend, metaphysical visionary, and transcendental artist Luke Nimtz has some great Ts spreading his good karma around. Check it out:
11/11/09
Confessions Part I: An overview from there to here
I yelled “What the hell are you doin’?”
He answered “Burning the world.”
I was born into a Catholic family. I don't remeber being born, but everyone tells me it happened so I'm working with that claim. I do, however, have one one memory from about 1 year of age. So, I have some idea about how long I've been around I suppose.
I can distinctly remember being maybe 4 years old and just sitting outside in the Indiana summer sun doing nothing. Thinking nothing. Just Being. Samadhi. It is from this recollection that I theorize that children are essentially born Buddhas and are systematically corrupted by the educational, political, and religious authorities (to list the culprits according to Timothy Leary).
About age 15 I quit going to church. 'Don't regret that decision at all. It seems that despite my criminal leanings as a teenager I felt a serious sense of responsibility to know what was real in the world and what was just bullshit. After high school I joined a church because it had a much more comprehensive understanding of the Bible than I had previously encountered elsewhere, and growing up with just this one 'biblical' model with which to work it seemed like a good idea to learn about the book as thoroughly as possible and to apply it. And I did.
For the next 14 years or so the bulk of my time was tied into proselytizing, etc. In the mean time I got married to someone who shared these ideals with me. Over time things changed. My responsibility to search and to understand became a wedge between myself and everyone I knew and loved. The more I questioned, the more I saw the holes in every argument. The more I could clearly see that religious authority in all guises was a manipulation of the egos of the faithful... Ego, in Sanskrit "Ahamkara", lit. 'I am the one doing' in the illusory sense. Ultimately, Ahamkara is no different than the Freudian ego, it being the faculty which can be manipulated by fear and desire.
The threats of punishment (in whatever form) are merely plays on your fears. On the flipside of the coin, promises of paradise, heaven, whatever,... manipulation by desire. And in the end the two are identical. The fear of the unknown is manifest in clinging to the known (even if falsley 'known', which is to say believed, or at least familiar). I digress...
SO any way, eventually the more liberal my thinking became, the more I fed my will to assimilate all things that came my way as an opportunity to grow, the more I came into conflict with religious authority. The subject of art especially presented a situation where I had to defend beauty, creativity, and honesty from prejudice. In all of this I began a long search for definition. Why should some art be condemned and others praised? Why are certain portrayals in music or film so offensive, but reading about these same things in Shakespeare or The Bible (both of which I happen to love) acceptable? The answer is simple: hypocrisy!
Eventually my wife deserted me on the grounds that I endangered her spirituality. I don't blame her. I am the one who changed. That's the truth. And I continue to do so. Stagnance is afterall death. And the assumption that we have 'it' when it comes to religion and God, and 'thou shalt seek no further', the greatest arrogance. I have continued to spiral out to embrace whatever may come. And she has gradually died over time. Its very sad.
In a similar vein, some prefer not to dig deeply into reality because they feel they will "find out some day". No wonder Nietzsche was sickened by 'the preachers of death'. I recognize Christians as participants of bhakti, but for me its part of a larger tapestry. When the goal is not union with the whole it is simply NOT yoga. It is Tamastic. It is Ahamkara. For me it would be dishonest. I see in it evidence of fear and I pitty it. It is reflective of desire and I will not be contaminated by it. I don't believe it is at all what Jesus was going for. At the same time, I occasionally see some beautiful results from it, like rare diamonds among pieces of coal.
- Book 4 part II, Chapter VI – The Wand
Jesus was not satisfied simply having someone else do the seeking, having someone else interpret, having a guru or a leader or a priest or a pastor. He sought (and found) Union with The Lord (Samadhi), and as a result his dharma called him to create the world in a better image, not by dogma but by liberation of the Will. Not by manipulating the ahamkara, but by demonstrating a life free from fear and desire. By pursuing egoless action, flowing with change (wei wu wei). And by teaching others to do so. But not everyone in whom we see potential (and it is my own fault that I have sought deeply enough to see the Virtue in people all too easily), not all these are ready to evolve... at least in this incarnation. And some efforts are simply a waste of our chi. Let us be wise enough to not let ourselves be distracted by the willfully (and woefully) ignorant. Perhaps we may need to leave off the few to heal the many. "Do not cast your pearls before swine" someone once said.
At any rate, I realize these days that art (most specifically music) is exactly what has lead me here. The search for definition began in the defense of art – which I now recognize as the highest expression of human Divinity(creation). The understanding that music could not be categorized and the subsequent academic struggle to establish that the only useful definition is the ineffable Virtue of a thing have always been present in my thinking process. In a sense Music is my God. But even at that Music is only a word and in as much as truth is beyond language, my God is beyond name and beyond the concepts found in any book, containing them all, but bound by none. I listen to the Braman (as Aum) to call me. I follow the Tao. And even these are mere words, constructs, illusions.
- Alex Grey, The Misssion of Art